Obituary. Raymondo Renault 04th October 1994 – 10th January 2012.

Raymondo Renault has died at the age of 80 (16 in car years) at a Dignitas clinic in Nice France.

Faced with life imprisonment for multiple counts of attempted murder, Raymondo preferred to end his own life and drove happily, under his own steam, to the Dignitas clinic this afternoon.

Raymondo lived a full life, in fact, one could say he was lucky enough to have lived many and varied lives. In the nineties, Raymondo, like his brothers and sisters in the Renault family, was something of a family man and would spend his weekdays driving dad to work and the weekends running the kids to the seaside. Raymondo was famous for never complaining about the sand or the mud the kids would bring indoors, poor road conditions or late night drunken sorties. Amazingly he never once complained during the four years during which the toddlers continually kicked his seat. When the kids left home in the late nineties, Raymondo continued to be a faithful servant, happily and uncomplainingly ferrying the parents to and from the ski resorts in safety.

In a revelation that shocked friends and family in 2009 Raymondo revealed his homosexuality and moved in to live with practicing homosexual and writer Nick Alexander. Family friends have suggested that perhaps Alexander’s dissolute gay lifestyle was too much of a shock to Raymondo’s ageing system, because 2009 is when his health began to fail.

Alexander, disappointed to be faced with Raymondo’s cranky character and unreliable health felt he had married something of a dud, family friends confide. Increasingly grumpy and unreliable as the years passed, Raymondo not only suffered but made everyone around him suffer too. Increasingly resistant to Alexander’s many and varied attempts at improving his failing health, Raymondo began to smoke and drink heavily, whilst trips to surgeries often had to be aborted due to his histrionics and repeated breakdowns.

After a dispute in 2011 where Alexander reportedly took a hammer to him, Raymondo’s mental health snapped and he engaged upon a sinister campaign to murder Alexander. Often he would refuse to brake and many times Alexander narrowly escaped hurtling over the cliff edges of the mountain passes where the couple lived.

Witnesses say that Alexander, faithful to the last, tried everything he could to save Raymondo, consulting psychiatrists, psychics and even paying charlatan healers from the Renault clan large amounts of money as he struggled to restore Raymondo’s youthful character, but his efforts were to no avail. Raymondo was, by now, bent on self destruction.

In the last few months of his life, having heard rumours that Alexander had been flirting with a much younger and more spritely rival by the name of Orlando Opel and knowing that the justice system was likely to sentence him to life in prison for his murderous attempts, Raymondo bravely opted for assisted suicide and was this afternoon driven to the Dignitas clinic.

Whilst signing an organ donation form, Raymondo expressed regret that he had tried to murder Alexander, his relief that his attempts had failed, and his final wishes: that his death might serve to usefully extend the lives of his many brothers and sisters in the Renault family, and that Alexander might go on to have a long and happy relationship with “that slut” Orlando.

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